Injury Reports From a Faraway Planet Off the Cuff Test Run
-If you do not sit in the chair I am going to go to your house. I am going to find your suntan lotion bottle and empty it out. I am going to shit in that bottle and put it back on the shelf. In a few years maybe you go on vacation to hawaii or the bahamas or someplace and you go out on the beach, take your shirt off, take that bottle out of your napsack and squeeze the contents onto your hand. You are you going to wipe my shit all over your face and shoulders thinking it’s suntan lotion. And you know what happens? The shit BAKES into your skin. From then on we all call you SHITSKIN. You are SHITSKIN forever because actual shit has baked into and bonded with your flesh. You know how difficult it is to get a date when you are commonly referred to as shitskin? When you have shit literally baked into your fucking flesh? I dare you. Find out. Do not sit in the chair. I will shit in your suntan lotion bottle. You fucking shitskin!
Delivery guy knocks on the door. Regular guy answers.
I wasn’t sure if you would be at home. I tried to deliver this a couple of times.
Yeah, I’m uh.
I didn’t know. If you would be here.
Cool, well I um, am here. Thanks.
I almost didn’t come today.
(heh)
I’m serious, I was going to wait until tomorrow.
Oh, I would have been gone tomorrow.
Oh, I would have missed you, lucky I came today.
Great. Yeah, I’m going to Europe this afternoon.
Europe!
Germany.
Flying? How are you getting there?
Flying.
I love flying! I love the airplanes. I love the magazine. No guessing games. Very straightforward. Get your magazine.Do what the lights say, do what the ladies say. Get the gingerale. What seat you in?
You know, I’m not sure.
23C is a good seat. Left side is the good side. How you getting back?
Flying.
You lucky duck. You are a lucky fuck. You are a lucky duck. You know what you should do, get that seat. Get 23C. Sit down. Take a look around. Take a nap. Buckle up. I hope you enjoy your flight. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you enjoy Rotterdam. You should enjoy it.
Oh, I won’t be in Rotterdam.
Oh, go to Rotterdam.
Should I, do you need me to sign?
No no, don’t worry about that. Take this. You know. See about the seat. Okay. I wish you a good trip.
The delivery man goes back to his car. Shaking his head. He opens the door, then turns around and walks back to the porch. Knocks.
Hi.
Hi. You know. You know all the great powers, all the European nations, with all their history and royalties, and jewelry, and culture, they have all ruled the world, right?
Right.
Every part of the world. You know what they decide to do, in 2008?
What do they decide?
They decide to build an airplane.
Right.
They build the biggest airplane that ever existed.
Right.
They send the airplane to Portland, Oregon.
Right.
In the United States.
Right.
Where you are.
Right.
And I am.
Right.
And they say to the airplane, hello.
Hello.
Right, hello, airplane, fly to Hamburg every night. And then clean yourself and fly back.
Get clean and fly back.
Okay.
And then one day you say
(beat)
You say I am going to be on the airplane.
Right.
I am going to be on the airplane. I have. To. sit. In. A. Seat. While. It Flies to. Rotterdam.
Hamburg.
You do! You have to reserve it!
I do.
And what seat?
23C?
YES.
Why?
I’ll leave you alone. Have a great trip.
In need of a late afternoon snack the woman buys a small bag of salted peanuts at a corner store. She returns to her office and opens the package. She pulls a peanut out. She cracks the shell and purple ink spills out all over hand and pants. She pulls another peanut out and cracks the shell. Purple ink everywhere.
Every Thursday the man wakes up in unbearable pain. What is it about Thursdays? Every other morning he wakes up feeling fine. What is it about Thursdays?
The man’s demanding friend begins each conversation the same way. “Are you there?” he asks on the telephone. “Are you there? Can I borrow your watch?”
The man’s eyesight is deteriorating. Everything is dim. And very blurred if it moves at all, so that a small tree is much blurrier than a large tree in any amount of wind. “Who cares what you’re seeing?” says the demanding friend. “Go to the doctor. When will you get home, I want to come by and pick up the watch.”
The demanding friend will be traveling. His own watch is broken and it doesn’t make sense to buy a new one. “Why doesn’t it make sense?” the man asks. “I only need it for a few weeks,” the demanding friend says. The man says fine, which is now less complicated than saying no by an imperceptible margin. The windows in his office have lost their contrast. The sky has joined with the tops of buildings in a reddish gray band. He closes his eyes. “I’ll be home at eight,” he says, “you can come by then.”
“Actually, just drop it off with my assistant,” the demanding friend says, “that would be easier. Thanks.” The call disconnects.
She laughs after admitting to liking something.
The two men are arguing.
-I am luckier than you you son of a bitch.
-I found a five dollar bill yesterday.
-My collection of four leaf clovers is in the tens of thousands.
-When I’m going to sleep I don’t count sheep I count shooting stars.
